Saviour, He can move the mountains…

I went to House Group last night as planned. It would have been so easy to say “not tonight”, as I had the busiest day ever, which involved seeing all 5 Grandchildren, and a birthday party for Grandson no.3, on top of work, and I was so, so tired and ready for my bed…you know how it is. But God had made it too hard for me to refuse, as the HG meeting was just round the corner from my Daughter’s, so took me all of 4 minutes to get to, so how could I not go?

And I am so glad I did. I really enjoyed it, and it was everything I feel I have been missing out on! Nice, friendly people, a warm welcome, relaxed atmosphere, super Bible study, coffee, chat, the lot. It was one of those times when you feel like you just know everyone already, and it was so obvious that God’s hand was on the whole thing. I felt my spirit lift and keep on lifting.

Then this morning I got up for another early start and the sun was shining brilliantly, and the sky was blue with little wispy bits of white cloud, just like a Summer’s day, and it was so warm! Everywhere I looked was beautiful and I felt full of joy (and not just the joys of Spring!) The last few weeks God has been topping me up, a bit here, a bit there, a bigger dollop here ~ and today it was just overflowing, and threatening to pour out of me!! I was listening to some worship songs on the bus to Chester, and then walking from the bus station to my supervisor’s house, and at one point, listening to Saviour, He can move the mountains I felt this mad urge to raise my hand in praise in the street! And then I was thinking “What is happening to me?” and then answering myself, because I knew anyway that it was God’s Holy Spirit.

Most of the day, I have been kind of trying to squash it a bit, for fear of embarrassing myself, but also because I don’t want to get carried away with feelings, and base my faith on that. But what the heck…I can’t squash it, it just is, and it’s great and I am enjoying it, and for now I want it to stay around for a while, please God.

So this is the beginning of my Lent this year, and not a sombre note amongst it! For me this year, Lent is about birth and new beginnings and growing closer to God, and grabbing everything that He has for me with both hands and learning to love and rejoice. Hallelujah!

windmills

Life feels like a song at the moment: like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel. I seem to be going round in ever-decreasing circles and ending up back where I started! Anyhow…

I’m still very uncertain about my Catholic faith, which, for the time being, is on hold for the foreseeable future. I am far from uncertain about God’s love for me, which is my current focus, and I am rediscovering that love in a new way. I think I recently reached critical mass in some respects, and felt so lonely in my faith it was almost unbearable. My spiritual support network is so thin I can’t even remember the last time anyone prayed with me. It’s not “done” in my Parish. Talk about anything but faith, and certainly don’t pray together seems to be the underlying principle. Morning Prayer before Mass one day a week, rushed to the point of being garbled and impossible to engage with except on the level of recitation is not true prayer unless the heart is engaged with the words. Reciting the Rosary to a picture of Christ’s Holy Face is not true prayer unless the heart is engaged in the process. It has been a long time since I was able to connect with another in the prayer of the heart, and it only happens sporadically, on retreat. There are no small groups or house groups in which one can talk, share and develop ones faith supported and challenged by others.

The last few weeks I have been driven to desperation in this wilderness, compounded by the fact that I was unable to attend my monthly Carmelite meeting due to illness. This desperation led me to seek out a community of prayer locally, which is how I ended up at an Anglican non-Eucharistic service called New Horizons last night. I deliberately chose a non-Eucharistic service, as I am still Catholic after all…but I needed to meet with God in a new way, with people who were willing to engage with each other.

What did I find?

I found a “mixed bag” group of people, of varying ages and from different ecumenical backgrounds, coming together to express their love and faith in God. Not doctrine heavy, but relationship orientated, focusing on the love Jesus has for us. Led by a warm and enthusiastic young curate who was convicted of that love and wanted to share it with others. Challenging us to do the same, to widen our outlook, to seek God in community, to learn to love each other. There was heartfelt but not overly demonstrative singing, sincere corporate prayer and refreshments! People who smiled and spoke to me, and even better, wanted to listen. I was inspired, I felt a sense of belonging, I was moved by God’s Spirit.

After the meeting I went to thank the young curate, and told him a little of my dilemma. I became moderately distressed as words tumbled out of my mouth: “I feel like I haven’t got a home”, “my spiritual life is unravelling”, “I am so lonely in my faith”, and was met with understanding, empathy and concern, despite feeling like a neurotic middle-aged woman. I really felt heard, despite the fact that we had such a short time to talk. I finally admitted that I couldn’t say what I was at this time, except “a Christian who loves Jesus”, and his response was that that’s ok, and sometimes that’s where God wants us to be. He ended up inviting me to a House Group held at his and his wife’s home this Wednesday, if I want to go. I’m thinking about it.

Friends, I am not giving up on my Catholic faith. I am not turning my back and walking away. But I am recognising that I need more than I have at present. I know that there are many Catholics who would throw up their hands in horror and say that all that I need is in the Mass, but that is no longer true for me. I need to be a part of a lively, loving, giving, growing community of faith. I have been so lonely for the last 4 years in a Parish where we don’t even have coffee after Mass on a Sunday, and when approached about starting a prayer group, our Priest said “the last thing we need is another group” ~ we have one Rosary group of about 6 parishioners (which I don’t attend, as I feel uncomfortable kneeling in front of a picture of “Christ’s face” taken from the Turin shroud.) I haven’t spoken to anyone in depth about my spiritual life in all that time until I found the Carmelites. It seems no one wants to know about the spiritual life.

But, this isn’t a moan or a gripe, but a deep sigh of relief that I have found something more, and I thank God from the heart for leading me out of this intolerable place. I pray that seeds will be planted and grow! I pray that I will bloom for Him and share His Good News with others. And I think I will go to that House Group on Wednesday.

Bear

My Husband and I really love Bear Grylls. We watch him almost every day on Discovery, and have done for ages. I happened to be browsing his website the other day, looking at his clothing range for birthday present ideas for Dh, when I found this…

Bear Grylls Did Alpha and this Bear talks about his faith.

I did a Google search, and found this interview, on the Relevant Website and some of the things in the article were really relevant for me! Some of the key things he says are…

“What does it mean? It’s about being strengthened. It’s about having a backbone run through you from the Person who made you. It’s about being able to climb the biggest mountains in the world with the Person who made them.”

“And I remember praying a simple prayer up a tree one evening and saying, ‘God, if you’re like I knew you as a kid, would you be that friend again?’ And it was no more complicated than that. And actually the amazing thing is that all God asks is that we sort of open the door and He’ll do the rest.”

“So often we kinda hide behind our yearning for love and acceptance with loads of complicated theological questions, and actually once that’s stripped away what we really are is just somebody who wants to have that relationship with your Father.”

“Jesus never said, ‘I’ve come so you can feel smart and proper and smiley and religious,’”

“[Faith] is about finding life and joy and peace. I am not at church a lot because I’m away a lot, so I kind of cling to the simple things, like, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’ and ‘I’m holding you by your right hand.’ The simple things is what I try to keep my faith like. Jesus is unchanging and we are forgiven.”

Now, I’m not the sort of person who is often blown away by celebrity testimonies, and I had no idea Bear was a Christian, but all this came at the right time for me. I have been going through a very difficult path on my faith journey in recent weeks and months, and I simply needed to be inspired and set back upon the right path. Discovering all this about Bear has re-opened my eyes to some things I had forgotten, especially that sense of just being held and strengthened in His Love. And really, that’s all I need right now. My faith, in effect, has been stripped right back to basics, and in that stripping so much of the original beauty has reappeared. Nothing to do with Church, nothing to do with theology or doctrine or religion. Just that “moment of salvation memory” which is pure joy, and feeling all brand new again, and having the courage to just fall back into my Father’s arms.

Thank you, Bear Grylls, thank You Lord

stones and bowls

Simple Ways towards the sacred by Gunilla Norris, is the title of the book I’m reading at the moment. I found it in the Cathedral bookshop in Chester, and it spoke to my heart as a result of quickly flicking through. As usual I didn’t buy it there and then, but went home and ordered it cheaper from Amazon

At one time, I may well have rejected the book as while it is full of references to God, it doesn’t mention Christ. This is because the author is writing to a wider audience than just Christians, a concept which I can now accept, whereas previously I might have dismissed anything not specifically Christian.

 The book takes, as points for entering into the sacred, a variety of everyday objects, including ourselves. The writer sees everything as an opportunity for grace, blessing and an encounter with the divine, beginning with our own embodiment and breathing. Her meditations are, as the title suggests, simple and yet profound. I recommend this book, and others she has written look similarly inspirational.

It is amazing how God can speak to us through the things He has created, and through those things we have created out of what He has made. A stone and a bowl. A table and a candle. Gunilla describes her philosophy as household spirituality, or the practice of spiritual awareness in the most mundane and simple of circumstances. Essentially, it is Brother Lawrence, or the practise of mindfulness. Brother Lawrence talked about the sacredness of every day objects, and felt that the pots he used in his kitchen were as sacred as the altar vessels. This makes a very valid point for me, in that it reminds me to look for Jesus in the ordinary, in the everyday. In washing the dishes after feeding my family, I can seek and find God, and be enfolded into His presence. Thich Nhat Hahn wrote that “washing the dishes is like bathing a baby Buddha”. I like to think that washing the dishes can just as easily be like bathing the baby Christ.

The book can be read either by “dipping in” or in a linear manner. I have decided to begin at the beginning and work my way through as an exercise in spirituality during these cold winter days. I intend to blog some of my journey, I hope you will enjoy reading.

onwards and upwards

I have thought about this a lot over the weekend, and decided that there is no point in keeping a blog if I can’t post about my journey honestly. I have been very quietly lately, partly because I have struggled to be honest, and the ins and outs of my daily routine aren’t really interesting enough to blog about every day (unless one can write as beautifully as Lucy and turn everything into poetry!)

But hey, I think as my faithful few readers, you ought to know that at the moment I am without definition and this isn’t a particularly Catholic blog. In other words, at this point on my spiritual journey I am simply Christian, a follower of Christ, without the need to label myself any further.  I have heard the call of Jesus to “Follow Me”, and am trying to do so, one step, one day at a time, through prayer, reading the Bible and trying to love others by following His example. This I know would not be enough for many people, but I am not the first to step aside in this way if only temporarily, I am certain of that.

So, I hope that you will stick with me, but understand if you feel you can’t. Whatever, I am still aiming onwards and upwards…

Candlemas

January is a funny old month. Post-Christmas comedown combined with cold weather, dull days, dark evenings. It’s no wonder that we need the Season of Epiphany to bring a little light into the picture. In the Anglican Church the Season of Epiphany lasts from the eve of January 6th until the Feast of Candlemas, on February. Unfortunately, there isn’t an Epiphany “Season” in the Catholic Church. As the Christmas Season ends on the Sunday after Epiphany, there is a return to ordinary time until the beginning of Lent.

’tis a great pity that in the Catholic Church, Epiphany is cut short. As a season, it has much to offer us, as we reflect on the manifestation of God;  themes which I can fruitfully draw out of Epiphany. Light in the darkness is a powerful one, as is the human journey of guidance and seeking God. It is a fitting theme for the beginning of the year.

February 2nd, before it was Christianised as Candlemas, or the feast of the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple, was originally a pagan celebration, when light was welcomed back into the world after the long, dark, cold winter. I think I prefer that as a theme. I am aware of the evenings becoming lighter and even in this particularly frosty spell we’re having, of the promise of Spring and new life.

I so need a new Spring. There are big things going on for me spiritually, some of which are very painful. I know I just have to grit my teeth and trust, just as I am gritting my teeth against the cold weather and trusting in the turning of the Season. I think that’s one thing the pagan celts got right…the connection between the spiritual and the natural world we see all around us. I shall now go and light a candle to celebrate the coming of the light…

 

inscapes and quotidian mysteries

I do like the fact that this blog is quiet. It really does take the pressure to “perform” away, which is one reason why I relocated. It also (hopefully) gives me permission to explore a new way of being. I’m still not sure why anyone would be interested in my explorations, but if you’re reading, hello from me

Life is very much quotidian at the moment. I am currently reading Kathleen Norris’s The Quotidian Mysteries: laundry, liturgy, and “women’s work”, which a friend gave me as a gift this weekend. It has helped me to reconnect with the sacredness of daily life, and everyday, ordinary things. As I have been exploring the whole area of mindfulness lately, this has been a familiar yet too easily forgotten piece in the jigsaw. Mindful and quotidian just about sum up my life succinctly.

For some reason, thinking along these lines brought to mind Gerard Manley Hopkins’ “Inscape” and “Instress”. I’m not sure how I made the connection, serendipity or a random Google link? But I was able to link the quotidian with the essence of who I am, and who I am called to be (Inscape), and how I and others understand/define/make sense of that inscape (Instress), including the relation of that “me” to others and to God, both of which help to define me.

If that’s too much for a Monday (I fear it may be for me) let me leave you with some images of my quotidian activities…

I have recently started brooch-making. Brooches made from felt, ceramic buttons etc. I was inspired to make one for my daughter’s birthday, and enjoyed it so much  continued. I intend to make and sell when I have enough, and have already had two advance orders from a colleague at work. In addition to those on the photo, I have designs for an apple, an owl, a snail, a red spotty toadstool and various abstract/flower designs. I may do a blog giveaway soon, so keep a look out

I have also recently become a fan of the Japanese anime character, Totoro, as have a number of my Grandchildren. My Neighbour Totoro is a wonderful film, packed full of sensitivity and warmth and good feeling. I made my eldest Grandson this Totoro cake for his 6th birthday earlier this month. I enjoyed making it, but am glad I don’t have to do these kind of creations on a daily basis!

Finally, I had to post this picture of the little Monastic (or Jedi) bears that I gave my Grandchildren for Christmas. Each bear was given a name beginning with the initials of the child (so no, I do not have Grandchildren named Rufus, Darius and Pedro!) and the initial embroidered onto their habits. Essential in order to avoid squabbles over whose bear is who!
God bless, and please, stop by and say hello if you have time!

in the meantime

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not in the worst place I could be. There’s something to be said about being in limbo, a kind of in-between place. It reduces everything to absolute necessities and strips away anything superfluous. At the moment I have a total aversion to anything conditional which asphyxiates me. I am very aware of my own needs at this time, both emotionally and psychologically, and fulfilling them involves sitting quietly with God without rite or ritual, and simply allowing Him, or indeed Her, to love me.

One of the biggest impacts of late on my understanding of the spiritual life was something that Fr. Antony Lester (the Prior of the Carmelites in York) said at one of our Carmelite meetings. He said that Grace was everywhere, that God, Christ, the Holy Spirit could not be confined to Mass or exposition. Christ has been revealed! Grace is around us and within us. So I sit and allow myself to be surrounded and suffused by Grace, knowing that even when I feel nothing He is in me and with me.

Fr. Tony’s next talk to our group is described thus:

As a Jew, Jesus was expected by his society to observe God’s Law
through the observance of many rules. This ‘Purity Code’ was designed to help people come closer to God, but in the Gospels we see that in fact it was often used to separate people from God. Jesus frequently broke the purity conventions of his day, and showed that being in relationship with God was not simply a matter of ‘keeping the rules’. Could this have relevance to Jesus’ followers today?

I look forward to that! In the meantime, this place is becoming one of blessing instead of trial…

solace

…has been difficult to come by in recent days. I have been assaulted by doubt, so it seems. Doubts about the existence of God (which I can deal with as part of the journey of faith), and doubts about the Catholic faith (which I can’t deal with as they scare me to death). I have begun to connect the two over the last couple of weeks and it has left me in the strangest of places.

How, as a convert, absolutely convinced that the Catholic Church presented me with the only viable choice, utterly confident in the Church as the guardian of Truth, have I ended up in a place where the Church has become a barrier to my relationship with God. It is no longer enough for me to accept what seems increasingly unconvincing and unhelpful as a matter of obedience. Having put Church, temporarily, to one side, I have found myself able once again to connect with God in small, insignificant but encouraging ways. Not much, just small pinpricks of light in the darkness, but when all is dark, the tiniest light makes an enormous difference.

So, I’m not sure where to go from this point. As you can imagine, it is throwing everything into question. I am still going to Mass intermittently, but feel like a stranger, unmoved even by the Eucharist. But I have not abandoned Jesus, nor do I feel abandoned by Him. I have realised this weekend that when I put the dilemma about Church to one side, and simply “be” in God’s presence, then He comes to me and sits patiently with me while I work this through. For that I am grateful.

But this gave me solace over the weekend, and proved to be one of those pinpricks of light…

Mattens

I cannot ope mine eyes,
But thou art ready there to catch
My morning-soul and sacrifice:
Then we must needs for that day make a match.

My God, what is a heart?
Silver, or gold, or precious stone,
Or starre, or rainbow, or a part
Of all these things, or all of them in one?

My God, what is a heart?
That thou shouldst it so eye, and wooe,
Powring upon it all thy art,
As if that thou hadst nothing els to do?

Indeed mans whole estate
Amounts (and richly) to serve thee:
He did not heav’n and earth create,
Yet studies them, not him by whom they be.

Teach me thy love to know;
That this new light, which now I see,
May both the work and workman show:
Then by a sunne-beam I will climbe to thee.

1663

I am climbing the sunbeam wherever it may take me…

…where I am, God is…

Jesus Christ is in you ~ 2 Corinthians 13:5

Believe that in this topsy-turvy world
in which we have to live,
so bereft of peace and so far from God,
God is present; loving, giving himself, pouring his peace
into souls of good will.

They Speak by Silences; a Carthusian

He is in me. In the depths, in the silence, He is. I am not always aware of Him ~ sometimes He feels very small, a tiny part of me, hidden from consciousness, but burning like a flame in the darkness keeping all from freezing over. At other times He expands and is all presence, spilling out from me in words and movement, and then I dance. He is there, whether I feel Him or not, and in Him I live and move and have my being.

At this moment in time, there is nothing outside of this God within that sustains me. It is in one way a withdrawing, in another way an expanding and an embracing. Right now I can neither embrace God or reach out to others through the Church, but my heart longs to dance, alone and with other seekers on the journey of life.

I would like to curl up in safe spaces, on cushions on the floor, kept warm by soft blankets, prayed for, touched by the Holy Spirit, to pray for others, to join hearts and souls, to softly sing, to breathe God’s breath. I want to touch God’s heart without barriers or inhibitions. To be infused with all that is Grace…

[God is] more a verb than a noun, more a process than a conclusion, more an experience than a dogma, more a personal relationship than an idea. There is Someone dancing with you, and you are not so afraid of making mistakes. ~ Richard Rohr

It thank God for this place I am in, knowing He is with me and in me in it.

Epiphany

I had good intentions of blogging about Christmas and New Year, but the moment has passed now! Ah well…

And now is Epiphany!
I feel the calling of the star and the illumination of the Holy Spirit today…
Although my faith is evolving and changing in ways I don’t understand, I am certain today that I have faith in God and that I love Jesus. Much more than that I cannot say. I cannot say how I feel about the Church, how I understand salvation, or exactly what being a follower of Jesus means. It feels like I have to discover all these things for myself afresh. I don’t even know if I am Christian in the established or orthodox sense of the word, but I can see a road ahead of me, and a light beckoning me, and it’s good to able to write those words!

Happy Epiphany to you all!

Closing

Once they saw a star
that pointed to a promised land,
to a land of peace.
Peacemakers set out to follow that star.

It is both a joyful and arduous journey.
Sometimes the star shines brightly,
the promise seems certain,
and the pilgrims can sing,
“How beautiful are the feet of those
who bring God’s peace.”
Often the star disappears,
clouded over, hidden from view,
and the pilgrims grope blindly,
grow discouraged, get weary,
give thought to settling down,
to forgetting the promise of peace.

One thing is certain:
all pilgrims need nourishment
to sustain the journey.
An occasional oasis for the spirit
is essential,
a time to feast on the refreshing waters,
the rich food of the spirit
in order to get strength
to continue the pilgrimage through darkness,
star-shine or not.

Poem taken from One Hundred Graces, by Mary Lou Kownaski

almost believing…

I went to a Carol Service last Sunday evening at a nearby, rural Anglican Church. While small on numbers, and the singing not being altogether that enthusiastic, the Priest’s reflection was the best thing I have heard from a pulpit in a very, very long time (my own Parish Priest is not a gifted Preacher). It was short and to the point, but challenging and there was a palpable hush over the Church at his words. Not just the quiet of people listening, but that absolute hush which is like a moment suspended in time.

He was talking about Christmas, and particularly about how, in the words of Don Cuppit, Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity. Ouch. One part of his reflection really hit home, and that was the bit about how little we can make of this opportunity, when hearts are open to God’s message of love, to share it with others. At this time of year, like no other, Jesus’ name is spread abroad…one only has to turn on Classic FM at random to hear Christmas Carols. Jesus’ name is praised in shopping centres, schools and on town squares everywhere. Millions of people who have no Christian beliefs greet each other on the name of Christ every time they say Happy Christmas! Yet many Christians, ME included, send ridiculous Christmas cards with pictures of Robins and snowmen and Christmas trees and Victorian village squares on (aside: I know many Christians on the other hand do make a real effort to send cards with religious pictures/Scripture verses on ) and waste this valuable opportunity to be a part of visible, immediate, incarnational Christianity.

Anyway, I came away feeling really convicted, which is exactly what I need at this time because I am going through a real slump in my faith ~ even to the point of wondering whether it is in any way real, and I am aware I still feel very detached from God, Christ, Christianity this Christmas ~ but, despite this, I choose to call myself Christian whether I feel like it or not. I choose to walk by faith and not by sight. All I can do right now is almost believe…

I also chose to throw away my Christmas cards and make one of my own which glorifies God and spreads His message of love to others.

I have attached it here,  if you wish to use it too…  Christmas Card …and have a wonderful, blessed Christmas.

Zen Painting

I spent a happy, peaceful hour doing some “Zen Painting” over the weekend. I used a book I bought my husband for Christmas a few years ago. The way it works is this…

1. choose a short verse, haiku or poem from the book and read it slowly
2. reflect on the words for a while
3. take the paintbrush and paint an image in response to the words on the “magic board”
4. reflect on the image as it slowly fades

The magic board is a special cardboard which reacts to water and so what you paint looks like black ink, which then fades as it dries, like this…

The meaning behind the exercise is to grasp the impermanence of life, and to hold it lightly. Impermanence is a Buddhist concept, which has relevance, I believe, to the Christian way of life. Jesus said: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.” As Christians, we need to hold life lightly. Things are constantly changing, including ourselves. As every day brings new challenges, new experiences, they leave their mark and we are changed. Recognising the impermanence of life enables us to live in the moment, to make the most of every opportunity, to value those around us instead of letting the days drift away.

This exercise could be used as a way of reflecting on a verse of Scripture and painting our response. As someone who often thinks in images rather than words, it is a helpful way in. You can buy the book here

the first mince pies of the season…

Apologies to those of you who are fasting during Advent, or who don’t like their mince pies until closer to Christmas day…but I made a batch today to take to my daughter’s this evening. We’re going to dress the tree with the children ~ I’m excited!

whoops!

You may have stumbled upon part of an entry still in its draft stage earlier, which I had intended to remain a draft for now  ! If you did, well, you’ve had a sneak preview. I shall finish it at a later date…